Hiding Behind my Mask
by Bon Bon
Summary: Poems revealing what they truly think about the other. But it was intended for their own eyes!
1. My Mask

_When I see you cry for me,_

_I want to break down and cry with you._

_I know that I shouldn't keep it a secret,_

_But I know what's best for us..._

_A little pain now can prevent scars tomorrow_

_But seeing you hurting for me,_

_Knowing what's making it hurt and what will heal it,_

_For both answers, it's me..._

_When you have a clue as to who I really am,_

_I quickly lie to cover it up,_

_But I'm only trying to protect you,_

_If only you knew..._

_There were so many times I wanted to break down,_

_The defenses I sought to build,_

_To tell you the truth,_

_Of who I really am..._

_I wanted to shed my mask,_

_To tell you the things that has passed,_

_But I knew that even if I did,_

_I would've just pass the burden to you..._

_But I can promise you this,_

_Even when you can't see me there,_

_Know that at whatever costs,_

_I'll protect you, to the very end..._

Conan scribbled those words onto a piece of paper at hand. He couldn't hold back his feelings for much longer and had to express it in any way he could. When he finished, he tucked the piece of paper into his shirt pocket, confident that no one will read it except him. Conan went to try and find Ran for some dinner. It was about 11 at night but he didn't get to eat at Dr. Agasa's house. 

When he found her, she was standing at the window behind Kogoro's desk, looking down on the snow-covered streets with the window open. Conan saw that her long black hair was being blown backwards by the cool draft, chilling him. The living room light wasn't turned on. The only source of light was from the streetlights below. Conan could see something shining in the corner of Ran's eye. It caught his attention. Slowly, the shiny thing trickled down her cheek and remembered the lines of his poem, feeling his own eyes beginning to water.

_When I see you cry for me,_

_I want to break down and cry with you._

"Shinichi, why are you always not here for me when I need you the most?" Ran muttered to the air. She hasn't realized that Conan was behind her. At that moment, he wanted to tell her everything, but held back. He knew he had to keep his emotions in check. 

_I know that I shouldn't keep it a secret,_

_But I know what's best for us..._

He knew he had to keep his emotions in check. Conan always felt bad when he saw Ran cry. He was Shinichi, the one that Ran longed for yet, they were apart even when Conan was beside her. 

_A little pain now can prevent scars tomorrow_

_But seeing you hurting for me,_

_Knowing what's making it hurt and what will heal it,_

_For both answers, it's me..._

Conan remembered many times he had to lie to Ran about himself. Uncountable times he had said that he wanted to tell her something really important. When Ran remembers it later, Conan would just act like a kid again and say something like about the Godzilla movie. 

_When you have a clue as to who I really am,_

_I quickly lie to cover it up,_

_But I'm only trying to protect you,_

_If only you knew..._

He knew he must never tell her about the Organization and what they did. Not until the Organization was captured and put to justice. Not until he was Shinichi again. 

_There were so many times I wanted to break down,_

_The defenses I sought to build,_

_To tell you the truth,_

_Of who I really am..._

Conan has taken off his glasses off before in front of Ran and wanted desperately to tell her of himself. The true self: Shinichi. But he knew, that it would just jeopardize the safety of those around him. Conan remains silent.

_I wanted to shed my mask,_

_To tell you the things that has passed,_

_But I knew that even if I did,_

_I would've just pass the burden to you..._

During some nights, when he couldn't sleep because of the memories of the past, he would make promises to Ran silently. He would never leave her. He would always be there to help her, even if it meant his life would be taken. If Ran was hurt, it wouldn't matter if he was alive. It would've made him feel better if he was dead.

But I can promise you this,

Even when you can't see me there,

Know that at whatever costs,

I'll protect you, to the very end...

Conan saw that Ran was shivering at the open window. Silently, he grabbed a coat nearby and walked to Ran. She still hasn't heard of Conan slowly approaching. He softly nudges Ran. "Ran, you look cold. You shouldn't be standing at an open window at this time of the night. Here." He held the jacket to Ran. She just stared dumbly at the coat, still contemplating the situation. Then, she just lost it. She dropped out of desperation and held Conan tight against her, weeping. "Thank....you....so much....Conan..." When she finally managed to gather herself, she spoke again. "Conan, you are such a reassuring presence. Sometimes, I think that Shinichi is really beside me. You feel like Shinichi to me." Conan blushed lightly. "If you need me anytime, just call me. I'll be here and help you through all your troubles." Ran looked at Conan as he said those words. She saw that he really meant it. "Thank you, Conan Edogawa..."


	2. Tears of Pearl

_If only I could be strong,_

_Not just physically, but emotionally_

_If only I could keep my feelings in check,_

_Yet, I am not how you think I am._

_Friendliness and stupidity mask of what you usually see,_

_But when you don't draw near,_

_I break down,_

_In fear of losing you…forever…_

_I want this to be all a dream,_

_That tomorrow you'll come back and hold me in your arms,_

_Telling me that everything's all right,_

_No, it wouldn't happen_

  
Sometimes I feel your presence,

_Even when you're not near,_

_It's this weird sensation,_

_Seeming as if you are looking over me…_

_Yet, no matter how much I explain,_

_How much I express myself,_

_Tears can flood my heart,_

_You still won't come and help..._

_Even if you just come back for a moment,_

_Come back, I need your assuring arm,_

_That'll guide me in the darkness,_

_And be there wherever I go…_

Ran went over to the big window and opened it. The cold evening breeze blew in on her, but she did not waver. She didn't even seem to feel it at all. Ran stood there, looking downwards upon the snow. She had nothing in her mind at the moment, but quickly an image of Shinichi had appeared in front of her. She saw him right there near the front door, looking up at her. Ran half yelled half whispered, "Shinichi…" But then, he disappeared. Tears started to well in her eyes. Suddenly, a few lines of a poem she never heard had entered her mind.

_If only I could be strong,_

_Not just physically, but emotionally_

_If only I could keep my feelings in check,_

Yet, I am not how you think I am.

"Mustn't cry…mustn't cry…" Ran said to herself. She can't cry. She has to be strong when Shinichi's away. "If only you could be by my side right now…everything turn back to normal…can't lose you…"

_Friendliness and stupidity mask of what you usually see,_

_But when you don't draw near,_

_I break down,_

In fear of losing you…forever… 

"This must be a hoax that Shinichi's playing on me. He's here in this city, wandering aimlessly. He'll be back tomorrow…yes, he will…" Ran told herself. But deep down where all secrets are locked carefully by this girl, she knows she's the one who is playing the hoax.

_I want this to be all a dream,_

_That tomorrow you'll come back and hold me in your arms,_

_Telling me that everything's all right,_

No, it wouldn't happen 

Ran saw Conan coming out of the corner of her eye. He was holding a coat that belonged to her. Suddenly this weird feeling came over her and she felt him. She felt Shinichi. For some reason, this mere boy carried the feeling that Shinichi usually evokes on her…

Sometimes I feel your presence,

_Even when you're not near,_

_It's this weird sensation,_

Seeming as if you are looking over me… 

Ran suddenly lets loose. She had eased off from her tears for the slightest moment. Then, they just took over her. Crystal like, the dropped from her chin onto the floor. "Why can't you be back here, Shinichi? Then I wouldn't have to be crying for something as stupid as this!" She thought

_Yet, no matter how much I explain,_

_How much I express myself,_

_Tears can flood my heart,_

You still won't come and help...

Conan was right beside her when she had lost it. Pushing her softly, he lifts up the heavy jacket. "Ran, you look cold. You shouldn't be standing at an open window at this time of the night. Here." He held the jacket to her. She didn't understand what was happening. Why was this boy so nice to her, acting as Shinichi when he wasn't here? Then, when she could no longer keep the shimmering fluids back, she just let them come. She fell on her knees and closed her arms around Conan unable to control the tears anymore. "Thank….you….so much….Conan…" When she had calmed herself down and had gathered her thoughts, what she was thinking accidentally came out. "Conan, you are such a reassuring presence. Sometimes, I think that Shinichi is really beside me. You feel like Shinichi to me." She could see Conan wondering about what she was saying. Conan replies, "If you need me anytime, just call me. I'll be here and help you through all your troubles." Ran looked at Conan as he said those words. She saw that he really meant it. "Thank you, Conan Edogawa…"

_Even if you just come back for a moment,_

_Come back, I need your assuring arm,_

_That'll guide me in the darkness,_

And be there wherever I go…


End file.
